Put Together the Pieces that Used to be Us
by Poison the Cure
Summary: Post-COLS Malec One-shot Set several months after the break-up scene in COLS. Alec is having trouble adjusting to life without Magnus. Will one night be the end of it all, or just a new beginning? I promise you that the story is much better than the summary. Read and Review please?


Put Together the Pieces That Used to be Us

**Dear Readers,**

**A/N—**** Don't blame me! I needed to write **_**something**_** after what happened in **_**City of Lost Souls **_**and I'm sure that I wasn't the only one(I was literally crying at the end, and I haven't cried over a book since I was in Grade 2). I guess that this is my idea of a canon. Call it my little therapy-fic.**

**WARNING:**** Spoilers for **_**City of Lost Souls **_**(obviously).**

**DISCLAIMER: ****I do not own the **_**Mortal Instruments **_**series or any of the characters. They all belong to Cassandra Clare.**

**Because if I **_**did**_** own them, Alec and Magnus wouldn't have ever split up. And there **_**would**_** be an immortality spell for Alec. Yeah, I know, classic happy ending. I enjoy the over-romanticizing, so sue me. But if Clary and Jace deserve a happy ending, then so do Magnus and Alec.**

**Rated T**** for minor language. You have been warned! So if this offends you in any deep manner, then stop reading now! *thinks for a minute*Though, I doubt that this's the worst you could find on this site, if you were really trying.**

**Anyway. Enjoy!**

**Yours in Fanfiction,**

**/Desperate For a Pen and Paper/**

Alec sits on the edge of the wooden dock, his feet dangling near the water, distorting the reflection of the stars. His heart is frozen inside of him. A heavy weight laid itself down on his chest a long time ago, and it is slowly suffocating him. It's been like that ever since.

Recently, he can't go a day without thinking about… about _him_. No matter where his thoughts begin, they always return to that one man. He'll be going through the actions of the day, training, reading a book, slaying demons, when he'll inexplicably be reminded of that face, those enchanting eyes. And then the pain is resurrected. An old wound reopened, time and time again.

He quickly redirects his thoughts, focuses on keeping his mind a blank slate. To think is to remember. To remember is to experience the pain, all over again. Like he has many times before. The tear-streaks that run down his face still aren't dried.

Alec looks down at the river below him. Cool, dark waters stare back at him. How easy it would be, just to let himself fall, to slip beneath the murky surface, and to not come up again. Anything, to make the pain stop. Anything, to bring to an end the hurt.

The dark waters lap up against the wood, whispering promises of an answer to his pain. And he knows that it will help, it will make the pain stop. But it will hurt everyone else.

He tries to care, tries to feel guilty, when the scars on his arms make Isabelle cry and beg him to stop. To stop hurting himself. But he can't. All he feels is empty, cold inside. After what happened, he can't feel. All he can feel is pain.

There's a hollow spot in his heart where something, no, someone, is missing. And it can't be filled, as his heart bleeds over. The only way to get rid of it, is to destroy his heart completely. That option is looking more and more tempting with every passing day.

He lets himself slip forward a little, until the tips of his tattered sneakers are just touching the water. Little rings appear around them, dancing over the surface of the river. Alec shivers.

He'll welcome the silence when it overwhelms him. The dark, the cold, he'll embrace it all. Let it take him over, drown out the pain.

The sound of footsteps interrupts his deliberations. A figure walks up to him, silent, but for the soft brush of fabric. This type of silence is louder than any words. The person slowly sits down beside him.

Alec can't bring himself to look. He doesn't have to. He will always know who it is, an image forever locked in his mind. A Rune, permanently drawn onto his broken heart.

He quickly withdraws from the cool waters that have, in a moment of weakness, tempted him so. And they will again. This person has just delayed it. The river draws him in, every night, and he can't keep away.

"Alexander."

With that first word uttered, a burst of fresh pain flares up in Alec's heart. It _hurts_. He can't believe how much it hurts, when he thought that the pain was already at its highest level. He thought that there couldn't be any level of pain that struck him deeper. But here it is, proving him wrong. And it _hurts_.

Why is he doing this to him, why does he have to cause him more pain? Alec stays silent. He can't utter a single word that won't be laced with the sound of his suffering.

It hurts. God, it hurts like it did before. Months later, and the pain is still fresh in his mind and heart. And it won't go away.

Finally, it subsides somewhat, enough so that he can speak. "…Why are you here?" he knows that his face shows no emotion, he's spent every day since Magnus left living under that façade. The hurt, he keeps it locked up inside of him. However, his voice betrays him, breaking on the last word. A little of the hurt escapes.

Magnus reaches out to touch Alec's hand, but the Shadowhunter flinches away from the contact. "Don't touch me." His voice is rough with unshed tears. He wants to stay as far away from this man as he possibly can, he can't be drawn back in. Stay away from this world of pain.

"Good God, Alec…" the warlock murmurs softly. "Why… why would you do this to yourself?"

His voice is accusatory, laced with thinly veiled hurt. Let him think what he wants. Alec doesn't care. Not anymore.

He can still feel Magnus's accusing gaze on the scars that criss-cross his wrists. They aren't elegant lines and spirals, not like the Runes that decorate the rest of his body. They are straight, red and raised, overlapping in places. And they are fresh.

These scars aren't the result of a stele marking his skin. They didn't have to be. A simple swipe of a Seraph blade had worked just as well…

He's not proud of it. He hates it, curses that blade. He curses himself, because he's the one that guides it, the one that needs it so badly. He aids the knife. Helps it bite into his skin.

But that doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.

"I don't see how it's any of your concern." Alec refuses to look at Magnus, refuses to give himself the satisfaction. He tells himself that this is his punishment. His and the warlock's. Mostly, though, he's just afraid that looking at him will send him into a fresh fit of tears. He won't be reduced to that again.

Instead, Alec continues to look out at the water. He's been at the river almost every night after it had happened. He meant to go to Magnus's apartment, return his key, but every time he sees the red-bricked warehouse building, he completely breaks down.

So, eventually, he just stops trying. He comes to the river instead. It is the closest he can get to Magnus's apartment without disintegrating into tears. He can sit at the river instead, and keep what remains of his dignity, which is already in shreds, torn violently apart in a fit of rage, along with his heart.

Sitting there, it makes him feel slightly better, knowing that if the pain ever gets to be too much, he can make it stop. And he won't have to hurt anymore. It's the one last thing he has some control over.

"Alexander, please. Please just look at me."

Alec responds with a petulant shake of his head. No. He won't let Magnus see him cry. He does have _some_ dignity, in shreds as it may be. The warlock caused him enough pain already. He doesn't need more. He has more than he can handle.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Magnus turn away from him, and stare out towards the river, seeming to see far beyond the large stretch of water in front of him. He speaks quietly, enough so that Alec was at first not all together sure that he'd said anything at all. But then the words hit him, hit him hard.

"…I miss you."

Why is he doing this? Tears prickle at the corner of Alec's eyes. God, it hurts. It hurts, and it's not the type of pain that comes from the graze of a knife. That pain he can handle. This pain is deeper, cutting him down to every fibre of his being.

Alec glares at the waters fiercely, holding back his tears. "You seem to be doing just fine without me."

And of course he is. This is Magnus Bane, he hasn't lost anything. Alec's nothing to mourn losing. He's just nothing. Another link on an endless chain of lovers. The world won't notice when he's gone.

Alec's the one that's lost everything in the world— in his world. The one thing that he can't live without, the one thing that matters. And at first he didn't even know how much the warlock mattered to him, and then, when he did, he lost him. Because of his own stupidity.

But he won't cry. He spent the first week crying, until he thought he couldn't cry anymore. Not to save his life, which he wouldn't even consider worth saving. All the tears inside of him have hardened, and formed a stony wall around his heart.

He doesn't let anyone inside of that wall, he keeps everyone out. In there, he's alone, yes, but safe. Within the walls, he can't be hurt again.

Magnus sighs, and there's more pain in that one sound than in everything else he said. "Alec. Alexander, my love, look at me."

Every word twists into Alec's heart like a knife. He would prefer the knife. Then, maybe he would just die, and he wouldn't have to hurt anymore. He's begged for death countless times, but never has the strength to do anything more than beg.

"Look at me, and tell me this. Are you able to say, in all honesty, that I look like I'm okay?"

Despite himself, Alec turns to the man who was once his. It pains him to do so. He doesn't want to be reminded of everything that he's lost, because he's lost absolutely everything. He'd rather just try to forget. Even if he can't, it's better than to relive the pain.

But he looks for pain anyway. He looks at Magnus. He must be some type of masochist. But he knows that already, doesn't he?

He gasps a little, despite himself, as shocked at Magnus's appearance as the warlock is at Alec's. He looks like a different man.

Magnus's hair is down, devoid of any colour or glitter. He wears no make-up, no eyeliner. None of the make-up that he was constantly trying to get Alec to try. No jewellery either, just a plain black t-shirt and jeans. His nail polish is dark, in contrast to the usual bright colours he wears, and chipped beyond repair. He hasn't even bothered removing it, Alec supposes.

The warlock's shirt hangs off of him loosely, and his wrists are unbearably thin. His collarbone juts out unnaturally, and Alec can tell from his eyes that he hasn't slept in days.

Oh God, his eyes…

Magnus's usually sparkling eyes are flat and emotionless. Dark circles surround them. They are swollen and red, as though he's been crying. But that's impossible, since no one could possibly cry as much as Alec did, in those first few weeks. The first few weeks were the worst. That was when the pain was still fresh.

Yet despite all this, the man is still beautiful. Alec chokes back a sob. Magnus will always be beautiful to him.

The Shadowhunter's shoulders shake, as he bends his head down, and lets the silent tears flow down his cheeks. Tears that he thought he didn't have. He thought that he'd used up all of his tears, already. His dignity is torn into even smaller shreds as penitence.

Magnus's eyes widen in shock. He shouldn't be shocked. He should have known that this is what Alec would be reduced to, when he left him.

"Oh God, Alec. I…I didn't mean…I didn't… He reaches for his hand again, for once unable to find the words he needs.

Alec's head snaps up, and he jerks his arm away like he's been scalded. "Don't," he hisses. "_Touch_ me."

God, it's hard. It kills him to pull away. But he won't open up to Magnus. Not after all of the pain that the warlock has caused him. He will never let anyone make him feel that way. Never again.

Magnus looks at him, eyes pleading. "…_Why_?"

All of the emotions that Alec kept bottled up inside of him for all those months he's been alone suddenly start to overflow. "Because, you broke my heart. Dammit, Magnus Bane!" he curses, tears streaming down his face. "I gave myself to you! Completely, entirely. And _still_, you broke my heart!"

Magnus shifts a little closer to Alec. "…I loved you." He murmurs.

How can he just…? The Shadowhunter looks at him in disbelief. "So did I. I loved you, too! And, God damn it, _I still do_! _I never stopped loving you_!"

"Neither did I." Magnus is looking down at the ground, refusing to meet Alec's accusing eyes. God, he won't even _look_ at him.

"Then why," Alec's voice wavers. "Why did you do it?"

That is the question that haunts Alec's mind. He knows that he was stupid; that he made a huge mistake in planning to meet Camille again. But everybody makes mistakes. He thought that Magnus loved him enough to forgive him. Evidently, he thought wrong.

And at that point, he hadn't even cared about the mortality spell. He never really cared. He knew that he could never hurt Magnus, even now. Even though the man has caused him more pain than he has faced in his entire eighteen years of living. Alec couldn't hurt him.

But ever since he started going to see Camille, he learned more about Magnus. More from her than he ever learned from the warlock himself. Of course she tried to tell him in the most painful way possible, the way that would hurt him the most, but slowly he gathered small, insignificant facts about the life of the man he loved. Because they aren't- weren't- insignificant to him. They help bridge the gap between Magnus and himself.

He was building a bridge out of words and stories, trying to reach the man who'd at times, felt so distant to him. All until it collapsed, with him still crossing it, sending him spiralling down into the abyss.

"I…" Magnus sighs. "There's no excuse for what I did. What I said. I realise that now. But please, just listen. I'm not asking for your forgiveness, it's too late for that. I just want you to know my reasons."

The pain is still there. What can Magnus possibly say that will take that away? Nothing. Nothing can take away from his pain, the hurt, the tears. Nothing but the soft sting of metal on his skin.

Magnus takes a deep breath, like he's trying to hold back tears. "…I thought that you'd stopped loving me. I thought that my immortality had made you hate me. That you wanted me to be…" he laughs bitterly. "_normal_. But that's not possible. You could take away my immortality, you could take away my powers, even my Sight… but I'm a warlock, half-demon. A monster. I still wouldn't be _normal_. And you would come to realise that in time. So I broke it off. I didn't want you to realise how much of a monster I really am. I could only imagine what Camille had told you. About me. My past. Everything I'd done. I'm not proud of who I was. Of whom I am."

He stops for a minute, staring at the ground. "I want to say that I didn't mean to hurt you. But if I did, then it would be a lie. I was upset, confused…and I hated myself. For making you hate me. I only blamed myself. But for that one moment, I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to hurt like I did."

Magnus speaks slowly. "And afterwards… I could have killed myself. I-I nearly did. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I'd spent every waking moment since the first time I saw you trying to convince you to open up your heart to me. And after you did… all I did was cause you pain. But I always loved you."

God, this is hurting so much. He just wants it to end. "Magnus…just say it. Why are you here? You've…you've hurt me enough."

He sees the warlock flinch as though he struck him. "…I don't know."

"Then why did you come looking for me?"

The warlock lets a solitary tear escape, and run down his cheek, or maybe he just doesn't notice it. "I-I didn't. I told you that I'd almost killed myself…. that's why I came here. But when I saw you… I just couldn't go through with it."

Another tear joins the first. "I'm a coward, Alec. And I know that I can't do it. I can't end my own life, although I wish that I could. It would be easier… than to try and go on alone. Without you."

Magnus finally looks up at him. Alec sees that his eyes were as full of pain as his own. He isn't the only one that this is hurting. And maybe that's what changes his mind.

He thought that the warlock was doing alright without him. But maybe he isn't. Maybe, Magnus needs Alec just as much as Alec needs him. Because Alec does need him. It kills him, but he needs his warlock, his only real love. It's killing him just as quickly to try and live without him.

Alec knows that he's just causing himself more pain. But he will do that will either way. He will hurt, whether from letting himself love again, or forbidding himself to do so. He will feel pain either way. But to him, the former option seems much more favourable. By far.

He would rather die by Magnus's hand than his own, would rather endure another brutal attack on his heart, than to spend another night with the kiss of metal against his skin. Than to need it so badly.

He picked his poison a long time ago. Subconsciously, he knows this. His heart has always belonged to Magnus, and always will. It's just taken this long for him to realise it.

Magnus. He is his drug, his poison. Here sits the warlock who has caused him so much pain, so much suffering. Here lies a chance that Alec can chose to take, or he can walk away from.

After a short moment, Magnus shakes his head slowly, finding his answer in Alec's silence. "I'm sorry, Alec. I…I'll go. …After all," he gives a small sad smile, and with it, another tear hits the ground. "There are plenty of bridges in Brooklyn."

And something snaps. That fragile dam holding back the feelings, the memories, it breaks. "Wait. _Wait_, Magnus." He grabs hold of the warlock's coat sleeve, halting him before he can get up. "Can we… try again? Us, like…in a relationship?"

Magnus shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. He stares down at the ground. "I don't- I don't deserve this… I don't want to hurt you anymore."

God, Magnus's tears hurt him more than anything said. He moves closer to Magnus, practically sitting in his lap, breathing in the familiar sent of sandalwood. The warlock just freezes for a second, before he pulls Alec into a gentle embrace. He looks startled, to say the least.

Magnus is his poison and his drug, and he can't keep himself from craving his next fix. It's slowly killing him, but he craves the pain. He will look forward to this type of death. This way, he won't have to die alone.

At this last thought, Alec starts sobbing freely. Tears run down his face, and onto Magnus's jacket, leaving dark stains on the fabric. The walls that he worked so hard to build around his heart, they all come crashing down, and lay in a pile of rubble at his feet. "I_-_I'm sorry, Magnus. I'm _so_ s-sorry. I messed up and it's my fault I shouldn't have done it and I wasn't going to but I was thinking about it for a little bit and I shouldn't have—"

He just can't take it anymore. Living without Magnus isn't living, not anymore. It's something far more miserable than that. It's purposeless, every day full of pain and hate.

The warlock reaches down, and gently brushes a lock of hair from Alec's eyes, pasted to his skin by wet tears. "No, Alec…shh… It's my fault, too. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…shh… please, don't cry, babe…" He leans in and gently kisses Alec on the forehead. "We both messed up, but babe, we can fix this. If-If you want to, we'll fix this."

The boy shivers, and for the first time in months, the pain subsides, just a little. He just sits there, and lets Magnus hold him. This is what he's missed for all those months. Magnus.

"M-Magnus?" Alec looks up at him, tears blurring his vision. But he can see well enough that he recognizes the warlock's face looking down at him. And his expression is so full of love, that Alec's heart finds the strength to close the gaping wound tearing it apart.

"Yes, Alexander?"

"Please…please don't leave again. Please don't leave me. Please…" He needs to know this. That Magnus is here to stay. He can't bear to be given back everything he needs, just to lose it all again. It'll kill him, literally kill him.

The warlock shakes his head decisively. "Never again. Never again, darling. Not as long as you want me to stay."

"Always." Alec nods, and feels the relief wash over him. It sweeps away the dark depression he's been drowning in, recently. "I…I love you, Magnus." And it's true. He loves Magnus, has always loved Magnus, and will always love Magnus. "…Nothing changes that."

"I love you, too."

Alec sighs contentedly, and holds on tighter to his lover, his missing, and more sparkly, more flamboyant, other half. Because that's always going to be the right answer. Not _I love you, not that that changes anything_, but just plain simple _I love you_.

The words repeat themselves in Alec's head, as his eyelids droop shut. The long nights of lying awake, staring at the ceiling are suddenly catching up with him. But he has a feeling that, tonight, he'll be skipping his regular meeting with insomnia.

He drifts off with Magnus's warm arms still around him, listening to the beautiful sound of _I love you I love you I love you_, and closing his eyes against the rising sun.

**Dear Readers,**

**A/N—**** Hi again! So what did you think? Probably won't be winning awards any time soon, but it'll do to get my inner perfectionist to stop screaming at me to write something better.**

** Anyway, I hope you liked the fic, and I'm also working on another Malec one called 'Not an Angel, Not a Demon'. It's more of a drabble really, but it'll be up soon (if I can get my stupid laptop to work with the Wi-Fi again). And don't worry, kiddies, I keep my stuff T, I promise.**

**Just so you know, a few reviews wouldn't go unappreciated… Anyway, I should probably get back to that other fic I promised you guys.**

**Yours in Fanfiction,**

**/Desperate For a Pen and Paper/**


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